Eagles v. Falcons - Week 2 Reaction

When a campaign starts as miserable as this Giants season has, it’s really the little things in life that keep you going. After struggling to get out of bed the past two Mondays, I was finally able to channel my inner Grandpa Joe (post-golden ticket) and front-flip off my mattress in song this morning. Not only had the Philadelphia Eagles pulled off the most miraculous loss of the young NFL season, but the rat/traitor Saquon Barkley and his creepy, incompetent coach served as the main catalysts in doing so.

Like most, I was well prepared for the inevitable Barkley divorce. The team was coming off a season in which they were lucky to win 6 games and had far too many holes to fill outside of the most replaceable position on the football field. It was a no-brainer to let him walk, considering the Giants never won shit with Saquon - despite him being younger, better, and cheaper than he will ever be. Signing with Philly obviously added a unique dynamic - but after several months of therapy, Limp Bizkit, and binge drinking - it was safe to say I had come to peace with the situation entirely.

Then, Week 1 rolls around and the former star’s monstrous debut was all the ammo the media needed to launch a Waco-esque assault on the G-Men before their season even kicked off. Daniel Jones AAV, burning 26 jerseys, quotes from the ever-senile John Mara - the lame-o’s played the hits and had a gay old time doing so. After Monday Night, it appears that the tides may have finally turned.

Ain’t no fun when the rabbit’s got the fun Philly!

After a crucial stop on a 4th and 1, Barkley and the birds were in cruise control. They’d ran the ball efficiently all night and just needed a few first downs to kill the clock and/or add to their 3-point lead. Philly wisely declined an intentional offsides penalty, knowing their patented “ass thrust” would convert the 3rd and 1 - putting them in prime position to run Saquon 3 times and at worst - kick a field goal to go up 6 with under a minute to play. But their do-nothing, arrogant prick of a head coach just can’t help himself!

Ole Saint Nick Sirianni delivered his latest block of call to all the naughty boys and girls in attendance - in the form of an incomplete pass play on 3rd down. One could argue that the play call was fine and had Barkley been able to secure the easy grab, Hurts would be kneeling and the birds would be 2-0. What that argument doesn’t take into account is that Saquon has failed to make this exact play in crucial situations time and time again (see Rams game in 2023, Cowboys on Thanksgiving 2022, etc.). His 16 drops since the start of the 2021 season lead all running backs, despite missing 8+ games in that span. Choosing to throw the ball to Barkley vs. put it in his chest in that satiation is almost as inexcusable as allowing known “Primetime Goliath” - Kirk Cousins to drive 70 yards in 75 seconds to win the game.

But that’s Sirianni for you. The guy is a “CEO Style” head coach who offers nothing on either side of the ball. In order to make himself feel relevant, he’ll always opt for the”ballsier” option any time any sort of game decision presents itself - for better or (often times) worse. He’s won 2 of his last 9 games as head coach dating back to November 2023 and has fired 3 different coordinators in that span - because surely none of the blame should be directed toward the guy who needs a fat rent-a-cop to help him control his emotions.

With the Eagles falling to 1-1, the Washington Commanders now sit atop the NFC East thanks to their divisional win tie-breaker. While this makes Sunday’s loss sting that much worse, it also means that the Giants remain one game out of the division lead despite their hellish start. While nothing I’ve seen thus far has led me to believe that this team will give us a strong showing against Cleveland, it’s the NFL and weird shit happens every week. The fact of the matter is we were gifted one final opportunity to keep the season alive by virtue of this fucking moron. We won’t be lucky enough to have Sirianni in the division for much longer, so it’s time to capitalize - otherwise Schoen and Daboll can join him at whatever McDonalds location he decides on.

Giants v. Commanders - Week 2 Recap

Saturday night, it was reported that Graham Gano was dealing with a groin injury.  One would assume, that the Giants would have some sort of contingency plan in place, if (when) Gano would be unable to play.  Instead, this regime gave the fanbase a groin injury of its own, by kicking us directly in the balls and refusing to elevate a backup kicker to the active roster.

Daboll and Schoen were well of this being a potential issue - they had punter Jamie Gillan practicing place kicks in warmups.  Yet, they made their “surprised Pikachu” faces in unison when Gano pulled a hammy…chasing down a return man he had no chance of tackling…in a play that would end up being called back.

From there, the writing was on the wall.  There was absolutely no doubt in my mind that this would be the trademark to yet another embarrassing loss.  I’d say that this team continues to invent new ways to lose, but even that wouldn’t be true - as they’ve already made this exact same mistake the year prior against the Zach Wilson led Jets.

I said in last week’s recap that the defense was lucky to avoid its warranted criticism -because the lame stream media was too busy dogpiling on Daniel Jones.  While this kicker debacle will dominate the headlines, its time to put this unit to task.

Kliff Kingsbury’s opening drive script consisted of literally nothing besides inside runs, screen passes, and Jayden Daniels bailing him out by escaping collapsing pockets.  Yet, this formula resulted in a 10 minute field goal drive to start the game.  Admittedly, I wasn’t too concerned at the time.  This vanilla play calling and (what felt like) miracle 3rd down conversion process shouldn’t be sustainable - and the commies were held to 3 points.  

Jayden Daniels and the Commanders went on to replicate this exact same drive 6 straight times.

I don’t want to hear any more of Shane Bowen’s “bend don’t break” bullshit.  We were dominated in time of possession (by over 15 mins), could never get off the field on 3rd down (50% conversion), and didn’t force a punt or turnover the entire game.  And spare me with the absolute nonsense about bunkering down in the red zone, several of these field goal drives were stalled by pre-snap Washington penalties, not whatever defensive “scheme” was implemented.  You knew damn well that we needed to contain Daniels in the pocket and stop the run, yet you didn’t come close to accomplishing either of these tasks.

I can’t wait to see what this clown has planned for next week, but lord know’s Bowen will somehow find a way to kickstart a redemption arc for a serial sex predator.

While the bar for a bounce back performance couldn’t have been set lower, Daniel Jones played fairly well Sunday.  He trusted the clean pockets that the offensive line provided him and was decisive with the ball.  He also learned the important lesson that spamming the Malik Nabers button is going to be the key to any sort of success he has in his final season with the team.

The offense’s possessions were limited based on the aforementioned defensive performance, as well as a costly fumble by Devin Singletary - but DJ played well enough to win.  Is this “success” sustainable?  Probably not.  The deep balls were wildly inaccurate, we failed to convert a pair of critical 2 point conversions and this morsel of a passing attack was against the worst defense on the schedule.  Regardless, he deserves his $5.99 bouquet of flowers after spending the week as the league’s whipping boy.

The main positive on the day was Malik Nabers.  The rookie ran wild through the Washington secondary to the tune of 10 catches, 127 yards, and a TD.  I loved seeing his ability to run after the catch on crossing routes as well as a pair of curls in the 2-minute drill.  In years past, those catches go to Slayton for 6 yards and we end up punting before half.  Meanwhile Nabers was able to fake the move inside and get upfield and out of bounds for firsts.  This led to the Giants cashing in on their first TD in the last 2 minutes of the half in seemingly 15 years.

Despite this breakout performance, Nabers was unable to avoid being part of the collateral damage from the kicking incident.  Late in the 4th, the Giants were unable to attempt the go-ahead field goal and instead were forced to attempt a 4th and 4 at the Washington 22 yard line. Daniel Jones climbed the pocket and found Nabers for the would-be 1st down.  Malik dropped his easiest catch of the day at the most critical moment, as the Giants turned the ball over on downs and would end up allowing the game winning field goal as time expired.

The situation flat out sucks, theres no other way to put it.  The kid is already feeling the pressure to carry the franchise and despite doing so Sunday, he ends up making the mistake on the biggest play of the game.  FOX then proceeded to twist the knife and livestream “Leek”sulking on the bench for the remainder of the game.

Sunday’s loss means the Giants have started a season 0-2 for the 10th time in the last 12 years.  With a 6 game gauntlet on Big Blue’s horizon, things will most likely get a hell of a lot worse before they get better.  Somehow, some way, this team needs to figure out a way to learn how to win.  Whether that means converting on that 4th down, or deciding to roster an able kicker, things need to change - otherwise bald, sunburnt heads will be rolling. 

Giants v. Commanders - Week 2 Preview

The New York Giants spent much of Week 1 as the league’s punching bag. It began with Saquon Barkley having a predictably strong Eagles debut - which prompted every bum with a twitter account to snag their parents’ HBO login and spam the plethora of freezing cold takes Schoen and Mara willingly provided via Off-Season Hard Knocks. Then of course, the Giants had their turd-brown khakis pulled down around their ankles in front of 82,000 (reluctantly) adoring fans.

Ugly Daniel Jones stats circulated the web and the approval rating for the current regime reached an all-time low - thanks in part to every hack TV host and shitty/amateur blogger smelling blood in the Hudson River water.

But alas - the New York Giants received a gift from the schedule making gods in the form of one of the most “get up off the mat” games imaginable. A team that put forth an equally embarrassing effort, is arguably even more bereft of talent, and one which I’ve watched my football team dominate since infancy (32-14-1 since 2000). I’d like to introduce you to the ever disastrous, constantly dysfunctional, red skinned headed stepchild of the NFC East!

Make no mistake about it - I’m more excited about going to renew my driver’s license than this Giants offense. However, there are plays to be made against this Washington team and I’m cautiously optimistic that maybe…just maybe we’ll be able to score our first touchdown of the season this Sunday.

This Commanders defense is legitimately horrible. While I was too drunk to keep my eyes open by the time the Bucs/Commies kicked off, a film review on a later date revealed a litany of blown coverages, missed tackles, and an overall lack of team speed. I’m well aware of Dan Quinn’s dominance of the Giants in recent years, but unless Micah Parsons walks out of that asbestos filled Washington tunnel, I think we’ll live.

This unit just allowed 9 plays of 15+ yards, was 31% on 3rd down, and is a nightmare cocktail mixed with the perfect blend of aging veterans who don’t want to be there (Payne, Wagner) and young players who seemingly can’t play football (Forbes, St. Juste). Unfortunately for the G-Men, Forbes went under the knife earlier this week and will not be available to perform his usual Sunday routine - which consists of allowing receivers to effortlessly streak by him whilst his twig legs get stuck in FedEx “field” for 4 quarters.

Now I know what you’re thinking -

“A secondary that allows more explosive plays than a terrorist summer camp doesn’t mean jack-diddly-do if this neutered version of DJ refuses to throw the ball downfield”

You may be right anonymous reader - but the commies don’t discriminate in terms of giving up huge plays. Inside runs, screen passes, with a mouse, in a house, here or there, the Commanders give up chunk plays everywhere!

Aside from generating pressure on the interior, this defense does nothing right. There is no excuse for our skill players to not dominate this game…outside of another brutal performance from Daniel Jones of course.

DJ has compiled nearly all of his good games/statistics against this poverty franchise. Prove everyone wrong for at least one week. Otherwise, I fully expect (and demand) Lock be the starter come Week 3.

As seen in the aforementioned self-propaganda that is Off-Season Hard Knocks - it was confirmed that the Giants wanted to trade up for a quarterback this past draft. It was also confirmed that Jayden Daniels was at least one of the quarterbacks Schoen and Daboll were targeting.

In his debut, Daniels’ showcased his trademark athleticism and ability to escape the often collapsing pocket. Unfortunately, for Washington fans, he didn’t showcase much else, as he struggled to move the ball outside of compiling a respectable stat line in garbage time (granted, something the Giants were unable to do vs. Minnesota).

I definitely see Isaiah Simmons actually taking the field this week, and think he will be a useful tool to prevent Jayden from getting to the second level in a “QB Spy” type of role. Keeping Washington behind the sticks is of the utmost importance, mainly due to that I believe will be our biggest advantage heading into Sunday.

I get that Burns was often chipped by the RB/TE and the game script shifted away from obvious passing situations in Week 1, but I need to see this guy completely smoke this Washington O-Line. The season is on the brink and you’re lining up against Andrew Wylie - one of the whackest tackles in the NFL. It’s time to prove you can handle the bright lights and earn that extremely high paycheck.

On the other side of the line, Kayvon Thibodeaux typically uses the Commanders as his primary evidence to beat the looming “bust” allegations he faces. He’s starting to mouth off at the media and desperately needs a strong showing Sunday to not only save face, but prove that he is a building block for this franchise moving forward.

If this duo is able to get consistent pressure around the edges, I’m confident they’ll be able to limit Daniels and ensure his rough rookie campaign continues.

With all that being said, I entered last Sunday’s game with similar expectations and the Giants proceeded to get absolutely crapped on. I’m truly unsure if Daniel Jones will ever function as a quarterback again and am terrified that our defense will end up hosting the Jayden Daniels “Coming Out Party”. For that reason, I’m having an extremely difficult time picking my team to win and (temporarily) save their season on Sunday…

Just kidding.

Giants 23 Commanders 21

Giants v. Vikings - Week 1 Reaction

Last Friday, I decided to take my family (against their will) to the annual Giants Fan Fest. While they don’t share my (extremely unhealthy) passion towards the team, they politely sacrificed their Friday night to roam around the modern architectural marvel that is - MetLife Stadium. The event itself is quite pleasant. Fans can meet former players, tour the team’s locker room, and have full access to the Legacy Club - which includes the 4 Super Bowl Trophies, Ring of Honor Busts, and other relics that celebrate the team’s history.

Since both the outlook for the upcoming season and the recent results have been so dismal, the Giants wisely opted to celebrate clearing a much lower bar - simply existing as a franchise for 100 years. Panels featuring the team’s “Top 100 Players” told stories of the great Parcells, Belichick, and Coughlin as spoiled children pranced around the field in their brand new “Century Red” jerseys. The event was then capped off by an extremely impressive drone show - which commemorated the team’s most famous plays and championship defining moments.

At the time, this intricate light display served as the grand finale for the Simone Biles-esque mental gymnastics routine I had been performing all off-season. “The Giants are back. We have weapons on offense, an improved line, and a pass rush. We’re going to smoke the Vikings on Sunday and kick start a surprise playoff run! I should probably start to blog to document all of this!”

So the inaugural post aged like old guacamole - who cares? 7 people read it. I already paid for the domain, so now is not the time for apathy. It’s time to let the hate and anger fuel me. Until I find a reason to stop drinking myself into a stupor by halftime, we’re shifting to a much darker tone moving forward. Besides - who doesn’t love a nice, sharp pivot at MetLife Stadium?

(Probably Aaron Rodgers, Sterling Shepard, Nick Bosa, Wan’Dale Robinson, Kyle Fuller, Jabrill Peppers, Sterling Shepard (again), Blake Martinez, and Solomon Thomas to name a few)

Let’s start by addressing the 220 lb. overpaid, mouth-breathing, elephant in the room - Daniel Jones is completely cooked. From the very first drive Sunday, it was apparent that I’m going to be subjected to the same level of ineptitude on offense that has haunted my Sundays for 6 fucking years. Inaccurate check downs, procedural penalties, 2 yard runs. Rinse and repeat.

We’ve been force fed this narrative that “the giants are gonna push the ball downfield” all off-season. Not only does Jones still refuse to do so, he can’t even hit the quick stuff anymore. Each and every drop back is the same car crash waiting to happen as the last. The only difference from years past is that the pressure Danny feels currently is often times imaginary - and his patented premature scrambles that used to go for 10 yards, now net 6 whilst getting truck-sticked. DJ is the only quarterback in NFL history that spends literally every second of the play clock, while diagnosing absolutely nothing pre-snap. He has no clue where to go with the ball and never has.

While opting to not only stay for the entirety of the game, but to camp outside the players’ exit to heckle “Danny Derps” is admittedly weirdo behavior - I’m not hopping on any sort of high horse and disavowing it either. That angry mob and I are probably not so different - both having come to the realization that every second and every breath spent defending this guy was not only wasted, but resulted in the Giants giving him a contract larger than the GDP of Kuwait. Its for that reason that I am finally ready for this sick D+ science experiment to end. To quote Daniel Jones himself - “We’ve suffered long enough”. Having this jagaloon get sandwiched between 2 linebackers to trigger his $20m injury clause is such an obvious final joke of this shitty comedy routine. Please for the love of god, pull the plug. At least Lock still has a set of balls to go with his piss-poor mechanics.

The big winner on the day is the Giants defense. They’ve successfully avoided a majority of the ridicule they rightfully deserve by simply existing on the opposite side of the ball as the “offense”. Joe Schoen drafted each and every one of the players in this secondary, often times using premier picks to do so (Flott 3rd, Banks 1st, Nubin 2nd, Phillips 3rd). Yet - we’ve taken so much of this guy’s medicine that our tummies are simply accustomed to accepting this as a major weakness heading into the year. But don’t fret - our D-Line was compared to ‘07 all summer, surely they’ll get home before there are any breakdowns in coverage! Nope. Darnold hit wide open receivers on his first 12 passes and had 2 TD’s and an 11-point cushion before a ball hit that cursed turf. From there, new DC Shane Bowen slowly came to the realization that a pass rush isn’t too effective when you’re trailing every minute of every game this season.

Of course, part of the reason you’re trailing in the first place is due to Kayvon Thibodeaux taking a face mask penalty on 3rd and 16, lining up Banks 1 on 1 with Jefferson at the goal line, and the defense as a whole allowing a 99-yard TD drive after we pull off the best special teams play we’ll make all season. But alas - the time to go full scorched earth on the defense is not today. Instead, let’s go big picture shall we?

Does Brian Daboll suck too? At the time this is written, I’m unfortunately not privy to the film breakdowns that can fairly distribute the blame between “No one is open” and “DJ sucks”. However, the All-22 isn’t required to be dumbfounded by the numerous QB Sweeps both inside the red zone (field position was gifted via fumble) and on consecutive 2nd and 3rd downs at midfield. Where is this creative play calling mastermind we were promised? If my dumb ass can identify Wan’Dale motioning behind 3 receivers means “screen” - chances are an NFL linebacker can as well. Van Ginkel probably hit his head on the goal post laughing after he picked that pass off. He and Kafka couldn’t ahve drawn up a more disastrous play calling debut - probably because they lack the creativity.

In the end, this was yet another Week 1 gut punch that has the potential to completely derail the season. If that phrasing feels familiar - that’s because the Giants have lost 7 of their last 8 openers. Coincidentally, that “Fat Randy” shank in ‘22 is the only time this team has been playing meaningful football past Halloween during that span. How much longer can this keep happening? At this point, having any and all expectations being completely squashed hours into the season is this team’s trademark. Perhaps Mara can figure out a way to align those drones into a patented “blowout week 1 loss” for next year’s Fan Fest - its probably a bit more fitting nowadays.

Giants v. Vikings - Week 1 Preview

Welp, I hope all you sad, strange, little doomers are happy. Your incessant moaning over a couple of preseason interceptions, (admittedly) ugly uniforms, and Joe Schoen’s (semi-scripted) line delivery on Hard Knocks has shifted the court of public opinion into thinking that the New York Football Giants are a bad football team. The nerve!

PFF has us 32? If I gave a shit about some mustached dweebs rambling about imaginary numbers, I probably would’ve done much better in Algebra 2. I understand not putting your kid’s college fund on the Super Bowl future - but the pessimism heading into this season is just plain pathetic.

For the life of me - I can’t understand why the fan base is already down in the dumps before week 1 kickoff. I get it - we’ve been waterboarded by piss-poor play for the better part of the last 3 presidential terms, but the time to reacquaint ourselves with our good friend “rock bottom” is not today. So take your Dak Prescott photo shops and 2025 Mock Drafts and push them up your tush. We’re not playing the ‘85 Bears on Sunday. We’re hosting the Sam Darnold led Minnesota Vikings.

And we’re gonna win.

Does no one remember when we patty-whacked this sad excuse of a franchise in the playoffs a year and half ago - when they had a (somewhat) legitimate quarterback? Trust me, I fully understand that Daniel Jones is (to put things kindly) limited - both in terms of arm talent and overall processing ability. But he and Isaiah Hodgins had no issues prancing up and down the field for 3 straight hours against this defense (twice). Granted, Brian Flores is an obvious upgrade over that box of rocks coordinator Minny trotted out in 2022, but trust me - he’s about as much of a “world beater” as my grandma taking on 7-2.

Much like our old pal Wink Martindale - Flores’ gimmick, “spam the corner blitz” defense was eventually solved by the more intelligent offensive coordinators. The unit surrendered 30 points per game during the final month of the season and is now without their best defensive player - Danielle Hunter.

While 1st Round Pick - Dallas Turner figures to slide right into Hunter’s vacant position, I’d be shocked if he has a major impact in his first NFL action, especially now that the Giants have finally fixed the O-Line for the 9th time this decade (I’m serious this time).

I fear that the late addition of Stephon Gilmore may partially spoil the hopes and (wet) dreams I’ve been having about the debut of Malik Nabers. However, I remain optimistic that if we’re able to run the ball and establish some blitz beating quick passing (TE screens?), the deep shots will open up in the second half of the game. What better time than now for Hyatt’s first NFL TD?

Defensively - there is understandably a lot of worry when it comes to the Giants secondary. The New York Pass Defense (NYPD) has been de-funded enough to satisfy your bluest haired cousin - and we’re going against a fully healthy Justin Jefferson. He’ll undoubtedly “get his” over the course of the afternoon. However, the game plan should focus on stopping the run and getting home with our pass rush on 3rd and long.

Lord knows Sam Darnold is prone to making mistakes in a collapsing pocket. Minnesota has a couple of really nice young tackles that may somewhat limit the debut of the Burns/Thibedoux duo. But thankfully for the G-Men, Dexter Lawrence has historically dominated the interior of the Vikings line and I fully expect that to be the case on Sunday.

I definitely do have some respect for Kevin O’Connell as both a play caller and head coach. I just have more respect for Brian Daboll in both of those areas. The cat is out of the bag - “Skinny Dabes” has taken over play calling duties with his job seemingly on the line in 2024. He knows Flores well and the Giants should have no issues putting up 30+ at home.

While I expect there to be some early communication errors in the secondary, the Darnold turnovers will come. The “Geno Smith” type revival under KOC is the most boring and lazy narrative since Cloud Atlas.

Giants 31 Vikings 21